Sunday, October 28, 2012

Suicide: It's Not Your Fault

A couple months ago I lost a new friend to suicide and then there have been a few "industry" (the entertainment industry) losses, I thought I would write this today so people can have some hope of understanding.
Suicide is the hardest thing for loved ones left behind to grasp because they always feel like they could have done something and the thing is, you couldn't have. The suicidal person is NOT thinking about you, or anyone else, they are thinking about themselves, period. I hate when people say, "suicide is selfish" like that's a bad thing. Of course it's selfish-this person is having the WORST day of their life so they don't care about anything but stopping the pain they are in. Ever get a headache or break a bone and think, "I wish I would just die the pain is so bad," ? Yes you have, we all have, but we don't mean it because we know it's temporary. The suicidal person's pain is temporary, but to them, it's constant and there is only one way out. I don't know how to make this clear because the pain of losing the person you just lost clouds any reasonable judgement, but I am telling you, if someone you love has committed suicide, they felt they had no way out. That's the truth. When you are in that place-the suicide place-you do NOT care who loves you, because it doesn't matter, you don't care about how much money you have, or fame, or success, or any of that material stuff, you want the pain to stop. That is the reason. The pain has become unbearable and suicide is a way for it to end. Yes there are many suicides that are from mental illness, and that's different, but for many it's a way to stop the pain. Suicidal people often don't want to die, they just don't want to live in the pain that is constant anymore, so they end it. Don't waste your time being angry with them, and don't waste your time feeling like you could have done something because you couldn't have.
Have I been clear enough? It's a pain that no one will ever understand unless they have been there. When you decide to take your own life it's because of the pain that you are in and you can't find a way to stop it, except for death. No one knows what happens when we die, so the bullshit of suicides go to hell-well they were already in hell, hence why they did it.
Personally I believe that it is a permanent solution to a temporary problem and there is always something to live for, but it's being able to see that when the pain takes over. A few years ago a friend of mine's sister ended it, and this friend and her friends kept saying, "but she was so loved." I tried to explain that it didn't matter, and it was the only way out. Now is there anything you can do to prevent someone from killing themselves? Sure, there are lots of resources out there to get information, and the biggest thing is seeing the warning signs. I grabbed this from

*Talking about wanting to die or kill themselves.
*Looking for way to do it.
*Talking about feeling hopeless, or having no reason to live.
*Talking about feeling trapped or in unbearable pain.
*Talking about being a burden to others.
*Increase use of alcohol or drugs.
*Being reckless.
*Sleeping too much or too little.
*Isolating themselves.
*Showing rage or seeking revenge.
*Extreme mood swings.

Get the person some help if you can. I often hear people say, "If I had only been there with them..." well you can't be with someone 24 hours a day because you are afraid they are going to off themselves. If you think there is immediate danger, I wouldn't leave them, but unless you are a trained professional, you may be setting yourself up for failure.

I guess I am writing this because I just want you to know, it's not your fault. It's sad, but it's not your fault. You have to forgive yourself and get past those feelings of guilt.

*The photo is from a day when I was in SF walking on the Golden Gate Bridge and I took this photo because I was writing a letter to the city of San Francisco about raising the barrier/railing and I saw her and thought, "what a great shot to show how short the railing is." Then I saw it, she was about to jump. I went up and asked her if she was okay, she lied. I knew she was lying, but I didn't want to make it worse, so I just asked if she was sure and was there anything I could do. She thanked me. I walked alway. I called 911, but they didn't come in time and while I didn't see her go over, she had been watching me as I walked away and I didn't want me watching her to make her jump, so I looked away for a minute and the next thing I knew tourists were looking over the side and she was gone. I beat myself up for a long time about not being able to stop it.

Saturday, October 27, 2012

Rest in Peace Alan Kirschenbaum

Today in Hollywood the comedy stopped
as well learned of the sad news that funny man Alan Kirschenbaum had taken his life. On the outside, and IMDB everything looked great, but obviously something was terribly wrong. I didn't know him. I always wanted to work with him or at the very least take one of his classes. I followed him on Twitter out of respect and he was funny. 
People often seem fine on the outside when they are really tragically sad on the inside. Suicide is something that is so hard for people to understand, but you have to know that it's never your fault. Except I think in the case of my uncle Ricky, who when he was sixteen-long before I was born, took his own life but wrote my Dickens-esq grandfather telling him that it was his fault-in that case yes, it was maybe. But really at the end of the day it's the person who decides to do it. Ultimately no one can change someone's mind when they are in that dark place.
It breaks my heart that three people in Hollywood all took their lives recently and I just wonder what was so bad that they didn't see that they had another way. 
Rest in peace Mr. Kirschenbaum your spirit will stay with those of us forever and I hope that things are better on the other side.

If you are in that place, and I know it's bad, really bad, please get help.
1 (800) 273 TALK

Sunday, October 21, 2012

Batman, Superman or Spiderman?

Geek out Sunday....

Who do like for characters, not the comic or the films, the characters? Batman, Superman or Spiderman and why? Just curious-for me it's Spiderman for many reasons, the biggest reason is that he has to deal with real life shit and is a true geek. While I love Superman-he is perfect, so it's like, "eh" okay whatever you can fly really fast and you're super strong-we get it. Spiderman had more problems besides the daily crap in real life, he also had problems on the side-you know fighting evil. I have received a lot of comments on my YA book RYUAN like, "it's obvious you like Superman." Well the book is about an alien who was sent to earth-but not to save himself to save his own planet's people when he grows up. BUT, he isn't perfect and his abilities are more realistic and he has to deal with a ton of normal shit-like being bullied and people dying in his life constantly. I was inspired to write it because of David Copperfield, not Superman, but because I love alien stories, it was just a tool I chose to tell this kid's story. This all said, I also worked on a lot of Spiderman in my career-so I figure it's just supposed to be that way, or maybe I have jumped to those opportunities because I love the character so much.
Now onto out other hero, Batman! Holysuperhero trio Batman, I love Batman. I loved the old TV shows, I love the comics, I love ALL the movies-yes even the bad ones. Remember this? "Hi Freeze, I'm Batman." Oh the camp. I enjoy it tremendously, and a rich playboy orphan doing good for the city of Gotham? I can get behind that. He is def. on my tops, hence why all the other characters that could be in this post aren't.
So between the three who is your fave? Geek poll Sunday. :)

(And yes I worked on both a newer Spiderman flick and The Dark Knight-so I guess I have to work on something with the man of steel someday)

Monday, October 15, 2012

California Drivers

This is what is bugging me. You know how channel 7 news has this, "what's bugging you?"thing? Well CA drivers bug me.
First of all, it is a speed requirement. If you go under it, especially 20 mph under it, you are just as dangerous as those who are speeding-get your shit together, put your foot on the gas and drive.
Second of all, why are all Prius drivers, Pri-ASSES? You don't own the road and you don't get to make your own rules.
Thirdly, it's called a turn signal to SIGNAL the person behind you, NOT to flip on as you are already making the turn.

Look, I took the California driver test-it's hard, so why are there so many bad drivers here? This city was built around driving, but seems like people can't here more than anywhere else. Maybe it's all the pot these people smoke like it's legal-still not legal folks-but I digress.

Please Californians, learn how to drive, I am begging you.

Thursday, October 11, 2012

Been Super Busy....What Else is New?

Hey everyone~
So sorry I haven't been blogging as much as usual. Things have been crazy since my father passed away in June. I was in and out of work and working 100 hours a week to survive for low pay or no pay-seriously...welcome to the industry.
But I got a great illustration gig and have been writing a lot more. I also moved apartments and 'burbs of Lalaland so it's just been a question of time.
I have started back up with the ghost story a day for October. Check them out at and am getting my novel, Four Seconds ready for publication so I can help raise money for the Bridge Rail Foundation.
I also am going to be doing the NaNoWriMo for RYUAN book two this Nov-next month.
Before any of that, I have to do my taxes! I am STILL waiting for 1099s and w2s...yup, it's October. I called the IRS and they said to just get it filed and I can always go back later. UGH. What a pain.
That said, I am doing the best that I can and if anyone wants to donate to the starving artist and writer who lost her dog, her father and all her money but owes Uncle Sam fund, please contact me....hahaha kidding-sort of. Okay, Tom Cruise, just buy my film and that will take care of it in one sweep? Lotto?
No? Whatever, actually I will be helping the economy because the interest is going to be like a small house payment in middle America by the time I am done.
That all said, I promise to get back to this blog soon.. I do, I really do!
Hope you are all awesome!
I'm just sayin'