Sunday, October 28, 2012

Suicide: It's Not Your Fault

A couple months ago I lost a new friend to suicide and then there have been a few "industry" (the entertainment industry) losses, I thought I would write this today so people can have some hope of understanding.
Suicide is the hardest thing for loved ones left behind to grasp because they always feel like they could have done something and the thing is, you couldn't have. The suicidal person is NOT thinking about you, or anyone else, they are thinking about themselves, period. I hate when people say, "suicide is selfish" like that's a bad thing. Of course it's selfish-this person is having the WORST day of their life so they don't care about anything but stopping the pain they are in. Ever get a headache or break a bone and think, "I wish I would just die the pain is so bad," ? Yes you have, we all have, but we don't mean it because we know it's temporary. The suicidal person's pain is temporary, but to them, it's constant and there is only one way out. I don't know how to make this clear because the pain of losing the person you just lost clouds any reasonable judgement, but I am telling you, if someone you love has committed suicide, they felt they had no way out. That's the truth. When you are in that place-the suicide place-you do NOT care who loves you, because it doesn't matter, you don't care about how much money you have, or fame, or success, or any of that material stuff, you want the pain to stop. That is the reason. The pain has become unbearable and suicide is a way for it to end. Yes there are many suicides that are from mental illness, and that's different, but for many it's a way to stop the pain. Suicidal people often don't want to die, they just don't want to live in the pain that is constant anymore, so they end it. Don't waste your time being angry with them, and don't waste your time feeling like you could have done something because you couldn't have.
Have I been clear enough? It's a pain that no one will ever understand unless they have been there. When you decide to take your own life it's because of the pain that you are in and you can't find a way to stop it, except for death. No one knows what happens when we die, so the bullshit of suicides go to hell-well they were already in hell, hence why they did it.
Personally I believe that it is a permanent solution to a temporary problem and there is always something to live for, but it's being able to see that when the pain takes over. A few years ago a friend of mine's sister ended it, and this friend and her friends kept saying, "but she was so loved." I tried to explain that it didn't matter, and it was the only way out. Now is there anything you can do to prevent someone from killing themselves? Sure, there are lots of resources out there to get information, and the biggest thing is seeing the warning signs. I grabbed this from

*Talking about wanting to die or kill themselves.
*Looking for way to do it.
*Talking about feeling hopeless, or having no reason to live.
*Talking about feeling trapped or in unbearable pain.
*Talking about being a burden to others.
*Increase use of alcohol or drugs.
*Being reckless.
*Sleeping too much or too little.
*Isolating themselves.
*Showing rage or seeking revenge.
*Extreme mood swings.

Get the person some help if you can. I often hear people say, "If I had only been there with them..." well you can't be with someone 24 hours a day because you are afraid they are going to off themselves. If you think there is immediate danger, I wouldn't leave them, but unless you are a trained professional, you may be setting yourself up for failure.

I guess I am writing this because I just want you to know, it's not your fault. It's sad, but it's not your fault. You have to forgive yourself and get past those feelings of guilt.

*The photo is from a day when I was in SF walking on the Golden Gate Bridge and I took this photo because I was writing a letter to the city of San Francisco about raising the barrier/railing and I saw her and thought, "what a great shot to show how short the railing is." Then I saw it, she was about to jump. I went up and asked her if she was okay, she lied. I knew she was lying, but I didn't want to make it worse, so I just asked if she was sure and was there anything I could do. She thanked me. I walked alway. I called 911, but they didn't come in time and while I didn't see her go over, she had been watching me as I walked away and I didn't want me watching her to make her jump, so I looked away for a minute and the next thing I knew tourists were looking over the side and she was gone. I beat myself up for a long time about not being able to stop it.

No comments:

Post a Comment