Sunday, January 9, 2011

"But I Don't Even Have My Phone With Me Officer."

This morning I got up and made my coffee-to my surprise I had no more creamer so I decided to walk over to Vons and get some. I grabbed my wallet and keys and was out the door in a flash. I left my mobile phone because this would 'only take a minute'.

Little did I know. . .

When I arrived at Vons the electricity was out-"arrgh!"

My coffee was already made and sitting on the Keurig waiting for me. I thought seriously about having it black, but I can't stand black coffee-addict or not.

At this point, as I walked back to my apartment, I thought about running up the 3 flights of stairs to grab my phone before driving to Pavillions, but then convinced myself in about 2 seconds, that I can live without my phone. Even if there was an emergency of some sort, it was still close enough to make it home.

I get in my car, turn on the music and start singing along as I pull out on my way to secure creamer so I can have my coffee. I am about 1/2 block from my apartment and make a left hand turn onto the street where the Pavillions-and my salvation in the creamer is waiting-is, and a cop is there. He takes one look at me, makes and illegal U-turn to pull me over.

I see him immediately but since I didn't do anything wrong, I figure he can't be after me, but I still pull to the right to give him the right of way for his pursuit. Well to my surprise, he is after me.

"License and registration ma'am." (ugh I hate being called ma'am-not relevant, I just hate it). I asked him what I did, going over in my head on whether I had my turn signal on, or went through a red light-because let's be honest I had not had my morning coffee yet.
He says, "You were talking on your phone." I start laughing and he does not look happy.

I explain, "But I don't even have my phone with me officer."

He repeats that he saw me talking on the phone and please give him my license and registration-so because I have two scenes to finish and don't want to end up in jail, I hand over the documents but tell him again, "I swear it isn't even with me. I made coffee and then had no creamer and walked to Vons and their electric was out, so I got into my car to drive to Pavillions so I can have my coffee, my phone is at home."

He just stares at me, clearly not amused with my babbling.

I offer to let him search the car and start getting out and he stands back, almost about to draw his gun-and commands, "Ma'am don't step out of the vehicle."

I sit back down and say to him. "Please search my car, there is no phone in here I can assure you."
He walks around to the other side of the car, has me open the door and then step out so he can perform a search. He does, he searches the front, the glove-box, behind the seats, and under the seats-no phone found. He looks at me dumbfounded.

I offer to give him my number so he can call me and it'll prove the phone is not with me because he won't hear it ring and then he can even hear my voice on the voicemail.

Then he asks me to open the hatchback and that is when I start laughing again.

"Officer, I am not trying to disrespect you, but really? Since you say you saw me on the phone and pulled me over in less than a minute, when would I have had the time to stop, open the hatchback and put the phone in there? And if the phone was in the hatchback, then there would be no possible way for me to have been talking on it, in which case this whole thing is not valid."

All of a sudden like someone turned the light on in his brain, he gets a look of understanding and says. "I am sorry ma'am, I thought you were on your phone. I really did. It is clear that I was wrong, it is not here."

He handed me back my documents, and apologized a couple more times. I wanted to make a joke about maybe he needed his morning coffee too, but kept my comments to myself.

Then I got to Pavillions and it was like 'If You Give A Mouse A Cookie" with me in there. I got the creamer and then saw the ....which led me to want .... but that is a horse of another color and a story for another day.

Just sayin' I think God, or the universe does these kinds of things to writers so they have something to write about, because seriously, this would only happen to me, and now Ellie-the character in my new sitcom. "Ellie From Chicago"

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