To My Father

My father is dying. I am really sad, but also it will be the end to his suffering. Almost 6 years ago he suffered a massive heart attack and brain damage, but being the strong man I remember him as he survived. He now lives in a nursing home in New England because he needs constant 24/7 care. Today they called me and told me that my 220 lb strong father now weighs less than I do and he can't stand on his own. He can no longer swallow. He needs help going to the bathroom and the end is very near.

His body has been slowly letting go for years as his mind has been the mind of a child-sometimes there and sometimes not.

Dementia is what it is called, and every time I have spoken with him has been hard. There have been days when he didn't know who I was and days when he did, or a couple years ago I called him on my birthday and he said, "It's your birthday, no shit my daughter Stephie is turning 8 today." Sometimes I can't understand him at all.

I am tortured by the fact that I can't be there. I have also been drowning for 6 years. With the recession I am working freelance and never know when the next job is coming and or for how long or how much it pays so I haven't been able to visit my father and I will regret that forever. I have been looking for work in New York City so I am closer to him and in the mean time, he thinks I visit-so I guess for him, he doesn't know that I am not there. I send him cards every other day just so he doesn't forget me and always knows that I am there with him in spirit.

So to my father I say the following: (Even though he can't read on the internet and has no idea)

I love you and think of you every single day. I am with you in spirit and my heart will always hold a part of you in it. I am truly your daughter in every sense of the way, especially all the sentimental ways that you passed onto me. I am dreamer like you were and I am strong like you were. I can't be there with you now, but please come see me when you pass over and never forget for a second how much I love you.

Just sayin'